I’m sitting in St. Augustin in Germany, having departed the peace and tranquillity of Tamera on Thursday. It’s taken me a few days to land into the regular world where violence is mounting, innocent people continue to die, and my anxiety for the future is at an all-time high. There were a number of Tamerians who flew to Cairo for the march to Gaza that was stopped by Egyptian authorities, and my heart is filled with sorrow that even a peaceful protest to protect innocent lives could be met with such resistance. I refuse to fall into the throes of hopelessness, but we’re certainly witnessing human nature at its darkest right now.

The final few weeks in Tamera felt like a dream in comparison. I had gone there in the hope of rediscovering my sexuality, to open my heart, and to explore life in a community founded on the ideals of living in peace with all beings. I had a rough start, overwhelmed by unwanted touch and having to constantly assert my boundaries with many participants excited to explore Tamera’s open love philosophy without asking for consent. But after my breakdown in the second week, I eventually found my footing, and as the weeks went by, I felt my heart slowly reopening.

By week six, I admitted to one of my fellow group members named Marco that I was attracted to him, and during our final three weeks, enjoyed one the most blissful love affairs I’ve had in years. In the process, I came to love everything and everyone around me so much more. I needed less food, less sleep, and was floating on a cloud with so much oxytocin flooding my system. The power of love is strong, and I’m certain the only way we’ll ever be able to restore peace on this planet.

What I also learned was the power of loving someone without clinging to them or becoming too attached. As my time with Marco was limited and our futures unknown, I found myself desperately searching for an answer to how our two unconventional life paths could somehow merge together. This clinging was placing unnecessary strain on our new relationship, and it wasn’t until we agreed to let go and trust that, if it was meant to be, the universe would bring us back together – that we could finally sink into the joy of loving without attachment.

Do I miss Marco? Absolutely! Is my brain still trying to figure out when we will meet next? Hell yes! I’m no expert at this. But loosening the grip of attachment to Marco has also helped me reduce my attachment to my material possessions. I was able to leave behind clothing and personal items in Tamera I would have struggled to part with a couple of months ago.

On our final day in Tamera, we did an intention-setting exercise inspired by Joanna Macy and her Work That Reconnects. First, we wrote down our intentions for re-entering the regular world, then shared them to a group of people who represented our doubts, ancient ancestors, beings from the future, and non-human beings who all shared their thoughts and wisdom. It was a powerful exercise, and I’m sharing my intentions below as a means of cementing them as I attempt to hold onto the positive energy I generated over these past two months in a peaceful paradise:

–       To remain on a path that aligns with my values even though I may sacrifice comfort and relationships in the process

–       To be of service and free myself from the egoic mind

–       To not let fear dictate my actions

–       To not cling to the things and people I love, rather to trust that love is in abundance

–       To not get disillusioned by the voices and influences of those on a different path

–       To put energy into the causes that touch my heart and not into what would make me feel like a good person

–       To spread love

–       To advocate for the planet and beings without a voice

–       To trust the path I am on and to be patient in regards to outcomes

–       To be aware of my shadows and not overcome by them

–       To find peace within myself, even when the world is in turmoil.

After my time in Germany and a visit to a friend in northern Italy, I’m heading to Spain to volunteer on an off-grid property where I’ve spent many weeks over the past ten years writing my memoir. Afterwards, I plan to visit the hostel along the Camino in northern Spain where I learned the pure joy of being in service to others. I’m hoping both these experiences will continue to guide me in the right direction.

With love xo 🩷