The New Year rolled in a few nights ago and despite spending a very relaxed night at home in front of my laptop, I was not inspired to write a ‘year that was’ or a ‘this is what 2016 has in store’ or a ‘reflection of the state of the world’ post or anything that happened to be floating around in my complicated head.
I’m happy to report that since that evening I’ve experienced the same non-desire. No inspiration to write or to say anything. I’ve been purely and utterly content with leaving the page blank. And you know what, it feels fucking great.
Instead of asking myself ‘why’, I’m just allowing it to be. I did enough thinking and soul searching in 2015 to fill this year’s quota too. I got lost in so many mazes of questions about who I should be and what I should be doing and what path my life is on and where my future should be heading. I let my thoughts lead me down winding roads that had no direction or destination, jumped into the thick of emotions and tried to rationalise my way out, bought into confusion, contemplated morals, and searched and hunted for meaning like it was a rare beast about to be extinct. And then I tried to explain it all in words to other human beings who were on their own spiralling roads with no direction or destination wondering where the hell they’re going and trying to catch that same elusive beast as me.
I asked so many questions I didn’t even allow for life to present me with the answers.
So today, when once again that niggling reminder of ‘my blog’ resurfaced, knocking on my door like an impatient editor looking at me expectantly with a questioning ‘well?’ poised on their lips, I felt like saying, “Look. I’ve got nothing that needs to be said, or shared or thought right now. I’m just fine, thank you very much.” And then in my self-derived scene of imagination I slam the door shut, dust off my hands and go back to drinking my warm cup of tea.
My New Year’s resolution for 2016 just kind of hit me in the face like a snowball of clarity. It wasn’t an answer, a voice, or the beast I’ve been hunting getting its own back. It was a feeling of calmness. A realisation that I don’t need to chase every question that pops into my head, shave and expose it to the world in the hope that everyone reading can dissect and understand it the same way as me.
I realised I’m actually happy where I am in life, with what’s happening around me and where I’m heading. I know 2016 is going to be an epic year, and I’m ready for what it has to throw at me both emotionally and physically. I guess my ‘realisation’ if you want to call it that, was that I’m simply happy to just let it happen without too many questions and analysis and metaphors and the requirement of tying it all together with a bow and then putting it on display for the world to see.
I think I just need to chill out and let things be and enjoy life and stop taking everything so seriously and stop asking so many fucking questions. Yes Pac Man, you heard me, I want to stop thinking for a while and let my brain go on a well-deserved holiday.
I was also somewhat surprised to discover that I felt happy to relinquish the gratification of having my voice heard, the feeling that I’m speaking words people may actually want to read. It’s certainly not the only reason I write thankfully, but let’s not fool ourselves into thinking that recognition doesn’t play a big part. I write to empty myself of emotion, and I could easily do that in a journal that I keep tucked beneath my bed. But I don’t. I leave that journal in the living room and on the kitchen table and at a bus station and in some stranger’s mailbox hoping that someone will sneak a peek. Or better still, I find that someone has written a message at the bottom telling me how much they loved my writing and how well they connected with my thoughts and ideas. Ridiculous right?
Well, welcome to the world of blogging!
Don’t panic though; I’m not exactly going anywhere. My ego is far too needy for that! Plus that niggling editor is likely to come back knocking at my door offering praise and acknowledgment when all those burning questions and thoughts storm my conscience like a squadron of militia and I simply have to release them by writing it all down.
But I thought it was neat all the same, that at the beginning of this New Year, all I really wanted to say was that I don’t feel the need to say anything at all.